Have you ever been in the middle of what started as a normal conversation, but then turned into a full-blown attack on you and your viewpoints? Most likely, the answer is a resounding yes. Arguments are an inevitable part of life and relationships, at work and in our personal lives. This is why it’s important to know how to react and respond diplomatically, especially when situations become heated or emotional. Here are a few ways we can be more purposeful as we engage with a discussion that has turned into an attack.
Stay Calm
Yes, the advice from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy of “Don’t panic” is applicable here, although it can be much easier said than done when facing another person who is emotional and venting. When we become upset, our judgment becomes clouded, and we’re more likely to say or do things we’ll regret later. Apart from the well-known tips to maintain our composure (such as, taking a deep breath or counting to 10), other tricks can also help us keep our body and mind in check. The first is to maintain a relaxed body position. If our body is relaxed, it tells our brain that we are not panicking, which, in turn, helps slow down our thoughts. If we need to slow things down further, we can purposefully disrupt the conversation by excusing ourselves to get a drink of water or take a bathroom break. A small break in the conversation can be enough to slow down an emotional colleague, and give both sides a chance to reconsider the tone of the conversation.
Don’t Get Drawn into the Attack
If things have escalated from a conversational disagreement to a full-blown attack, be on the lookout for certain red flag phrases, and recognize that they .
- Among the easiest to spot are “so you admit…” or “what do you have to say for yourself?” These phrases clearly imply that, in some way, you are to blame for something and should feel guilty. It is important to quickly remove the guilt from the scenario. Whenever possible, using indisputable facts is a great way to undercut guilt attacks.
- Harder to spot are hidden presuppositions, which may imply in some way that you’re to blame or you’re deficient in some way. For example, “Even you could solve that problem” is loaded with innuendo that you can’t solve most problems. Whatever the case, this sort of passive personal attack should not bait you into resorting to personal attacks of your own.
- Unfortunately, we can include, “So what you’re saying is…” in the red flag phrases. I say unfortunately because it is a variation of the wonderful active listening phrase, “It sounds like….” The latter phrase is a great tool for clear communication and guaranteeing both sides understand each other, while the former insinuates that your stance is somehow wrong.
- Finally, when hit with rapid-fire questions, it is best to slow the conversation down. Instead of becoming flustered it is best to simply say, “Ok you just asked me four different questions, and I am happy to respond to each one, but let’s take it one at a time. The first one was…”
Find Common Ground
Finding common ground can be difficult, but is the best way to resolve the conversation. Whether arguing about a work project, budgets or responsibilities, even if you don’t agree on everything, try to find some areas of agreement. This can help build trust and create a more positive atmosphere. Finding common ground can also help us identify areas where compromise is possible. For example, if both people agree that the issue is important, but have different solutions, we can work together to find a middle ground that satisfies both parties.
Keep the High Ground
There are two things that can immediately undermine our integrity in any argument. The first is to respond with personal attacks, which is all too easy to do when we are already being attacked. However, attacking the other person’s character or personality is never productive and will likely make the situation worse. Stick to the issues at hand, and avoid making the conversation personal. If you feel like you are under attack, try to redirect the conversation back to the facts. For example, say, “Let’s focus on the issue at hand and not make this personal.” And if that does not work, it might be time to pause the conversation.
The other thing that ruins our credibility is arguing against a strawman. To this end, it is necessary to understand where the other person person is coming from, and also to represent them accurately and fairly. It should never be about looking smarter or bullying another person, but seeking to better ourselves and the world around us with productive conversations and actions.
In the end, the conversation cannot be about winning or losing, but about finding a professional way to further the conversation. It is about keeping our cool, de-escalating, and finding that common ground. It is about seeing the other person as a person, even when it feels like they are a hostile adversary. If we slow down the conversation, take it one question at a time, and respond with integrity, at the conclusion of the conversation, we can walk away feeling that we made an earnest effort to resolve our differences in a rational and productive way.
